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Taylor and the Thanksgiving Turkey Massacre

A few months into their relationship, Taylor and Gail spend Thanksgiving together – with Gail’s sister.

 

“Okay, Allison, I’ll let you know. Thanks for asking us.”

My ears prick up at that last word.

Gail is frowning slightly as she looks at me.

“What’s up, baby?”

“I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not, Jason, but Allison has invited us to spend Thanksgiving with her and Bill.”

Now it’s my turn to frown. “‘Us’ as in you and me?”

Gail smiles. “Well, yes. That’s what it usually means. What do you think? Would you like to?”

I realize this is one of those ‘next step’ moments you come across in relationships; that moment when it’s a case of move things forward… or not. I can’t say the idea of spending time with Gail’s sister thrills me; in fact since I got divorced from the Bitch, I’d rather chew off my fingers up to my shoulder than spend ‘family’ time where there’s no chance of a quick escape.

Gail hasn’t said anything but I get the distinct impression that Allison doesn’t approve of me. Normally I wouldn’t give a shit but Gail is special, really special, and I don’t want to risk losing her.

I admit defeat: whatever happens it’s a lose-lose situation.

“Sure, baby, why wouldn’t I?”

She raises her eyebrows in a way that tells me she’s not buying my bullshit. That woman can read me like a fucking book: either that or she saw me shudder with horror at the whole Thanksgiving-ritual-slaughter-holiday – and I’m not just talking turkey.

“Well, I thought you might want to see Sophie.”

Yeah, I really would, but the Bitch is taking the Princess away to see the coven leader, a.k.a. my ex-mother-in-law.

“She’ll be with her mother in Santa Barbara.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Jason. I know you miss her.”

I don’t like talking about that – it makes me want to break something: preferably the Bitch’s neck. Only kidding. But I wouldn’t mind smashing the shit out of that ugly wedding china her family gave us.

I realize Gail is still looking at me.

“It’s cool. I’ll see her next weekend.” Unless the Bitch changes her mind, which is pretty damn likely since the brain implant didn’t work.

“What about Mr Grey? Will he give you the time off?”

“Yeah. He’s planning to go see his parents at Bellevue.”

“Really? For the whole of the holidays?”

I seriously doubt that. The guy is umbilically attached to his laptop; and I strongly suspect he won’t want to spend more than one night at his folks’ place.

“Shouldn’t think so, but he said he didn’t need me. I think he’s just planning on working…”

Neither of us mentions his new sub – the Williams woman. But I’d bet my bottom dollar we’re both thinking of her.

Gail shakes her head and sighs.

“It’s such a shame: he’s such a nice, young man.”

I know what she’s referring to but even though he’s a fucked up bastard, he’s got more than most 24 year olds could ever dream of. Yeah, I know, and a lot less, too.

“So, you feel ready to meet my family?” She pauses and looks away. “You don’t have to, Jason. I’d understand.”

“Of course I want to, Gail. It’ll be cool. Don’t worry.”

Famous last fucking words.

Which is why, on the day before Thanksgiving, we’re heading down the I-5 towards Portland and the town of Beaverton.

“Who’s going to be at this shindig, baby?”

“Well, Allison, of course. Her husband, Bill; their two girls Rachel, who’s 14, and Kimmi, who’s 11. I expect they’ll invite the neighbors, Vince and Claudia; oh, and Bill’s mom, Celia.”

No Uncle Fester?

The house is one of those suburban ranch houses that you see everywhere in small towns: a patch of grass in front and a larger yard at the back.

I pull up in the road and Gail reaches over and squeezes my thigh.

“Ready?”

“Sure, baby. Follow you anywhere.”

She smiles and gives me a reassuring kiss on the cheek.

Gail’s just about to knock on the door when it flies open and a girl comes running out.

“Aunty Gail!”

I guess this must be Kimmi. She’s got light brown hair and braces and a cute little round face.

“Mom says you’ve got a boyfriend, Aunty Gail! She said you’d never get a boyfriend, but you did, didn’t you? Maybe I’ll get a boyfriend next.”

Gail laughs, but I can tell that it’s slightly strained.

“Kimmi, this is my friend Jason. Jason, this is Kimmi.”

“Hi Jason,” she says, shyly.

“Hi Kimmi. Good to meet you.”

I hold out my hand and we shake formally, then she blushes and giggles. It kinda reminds me of Princess Sophie and I can’t help smiling back.

I look up and see a woman who must be Gail’s sister. I catch her as she’s running her eyes up and down me. She’s fucking checking me out! That is so fucking uncool!

I stand impassively while Gail and Allison hug. Then I’m introduced and she shakes my hand, a chilly expression at odds with the way she was checking out my package. Fucking hypocrite.

It’s weird seeing some of Gail’s lovely features on this stranger’s face; but she’s got none of Gail’s appealing softness, even though she’s younger than Gail – although still older than me.

I just know we’re not going to get on. I feel like I should have a fucking map that says Here be dragons.

Gail leads me inside and Kimmi shows us to our room.

“Mom wanted to give you separate rooms, but Grandma Greene is staying so there’s no room. Mom said she didn’t want you guys doing it in here. What did she think you were going to be doing?”

“The crossword,” says Gail, quickly. “She doesn’t want us getting newsprint on the sheets.”

“Oh, okay,” says Kimmi, wandering off. “I thought she was talking about sex.”

Gail’s mouth drops open and she turns to stare at me, blushing in a really cute way.

“Your sister got a problem with you doing it, baby?” I say, raising my eyebrows.

“I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, Jason.”

“S’okay, baby. I like breaking the rules.”

“Hmm, I’ve noticed that. I don’t know how you managed that in the Marines.”

“Didn’t get caught, mostly.” I pull her into my arms and kiss her softly. “Wanna break some rules now?”

She kisses me back passionately, showing me that wild side that I really fucking like. She’s got one hand on my ass and the other up the inside of my T-shirt and things are getting really interesting when there’s a polite cough.

I pull back and see a paunchy guy in his late 40s smiling at us.

“Uh, hi! I’m Bill. Good to meet you, Jason. Hey, Gail. How you doin’, honey?”

We shake hands and he gives Gail a hug.

I know from what Gail has told me that Bill has some sort of job in computers. I could have done a personnel check from Welch’s database, but that felt like spying on Gail’s family.

“Welcome to the mad house, Jason. I hope you’ve got a strong stomach.”

Yep, gotta lot of practice working for Christian-king of mad-Grey.

“Thanks, Bill. Appreciate you inviting us. Oh, hey, brought you this.”

I hand him a bottle of Tequila Gold and his face lights up like a freakin’ Christmas tree.

“Oh, man! Thanks!”

“And I’ve brought some pies and cakes, too, Bill,” adds Gail.

“Gail, you are a saint… and some of your special stuffing?”

“Of course, Bill. I couldn’t let you down, could I?”

“Jason – this woman is a saint.” He gives Gail another hug.

“Kinda noticed that, Bill.”

He winks at me.

“So, did you meet Rachel yet? I think she’s in the backyard. Either that or sulking in her room,” he mutters under his breath.

Yeah, this is going to a fucking fun family get together.

“I’ll go get the luggage from the car, baby.”

While I’m out at the car, Bill comes to help me. Gail has packed enough food for several platoons of hungry grunts.

“Um, Jason, don’t take this the wrong way…”

Oh, fucking what?

“But would you mind not mentioning the tequila to Allison? Just between you and me, buddy?”

“Sure, no problem, Bill.”

“I keep it my playroom.”

I nearly choke.

“I make model airplanes and submarines; I keep them in the garage. Allison calls it my ‘playroom’ – her little joke.”

Thank fuck for that! I don’t think I could take seeing anymore playrooms – especially not in suburban Oregon – they might have antlers on the walls. I’m already scarred for life. And I really don’t want to imagine Allison in bondage gear. Aw hell! Too late. My stomach heaves and I nearly lose my lunch.

Bill helps me carry Gail’s boxes of food into the kitchen. When I see what Allison is making for our dinner, I regret not bringing any MREs with me. Yeah, they’re vacuum-packed military rations that are about five years old, but they look a helluva lot better than the brain-colored sludge that Allison’s cooking. She calls it ‘risotto’; I call it risky on my stomach lining.

It’s not till we’re all sitting around the dining table that I finally meet Bill’s mom, Celia, who’s been taking a nap, and the oldest daughter, Rachel.

Celia:              It’s not easy for a widow, you know. If I had to rely on my kids to look after me, I’d be on the streets.

Bill:                 Now, mother…

Allison:           [snarling]You’re not on the streets, Celia, you’re in our very comfortable guest room.

Rachel:            So, you’re, like, a driver?

Me:                 Yes.

Gail:                Well…

Celia:              I know I’m just a burden to you. I can eat my dinner in my room.

Bill:                 Aw, mom…

Rachel:            And you’re, like, a bodyguard?

Me:                 Yes.

Allison:           If you’d prefer to eat in your room, Celia…

Celia:              Well, I…

Kimmi:           Aunty Gail, if Jason’s your boyfriend, are you going to, like, sleep with him?

[Cue: echoing silence as all eyes turn to Gail.]

Allison:           Kimmi!

Bill:                 Kimmi!

Kimmi:           Mom, you said that Aunty Gail ought to know better at her age than having a toy-boy, so I was just wondering if…

Rachel:            Oh wow! You totally said it! You are in so much trouble!

Allison:           Kimmi! I didn’t…

 

Gail is staring at her plate, mortified. And I am so fucking angry at that bitch of a sister of hers. I reach over and take Gail’s hand.

“If anyone’s got a problem with me seeing Gail, I’d rather they said it to my face,” and I turn and stare at Allison. “Not that it will make any damn difference whatsoever.”

You sour-faced, lemon-sucking, prick-blocking, poodle-breathed bitch.

“That told her,” mutters Celia in a stage-whisper.

 

The rest of the meal passes with tense indigestion, although whether that’s from the fucking awful food or the arctic atmosphere, I couldn’t say. Gail is quiet and I know she’s still upset. Bill tries hard to keep the conversation going, and I really appreciate that, being a chatty guy myself.

“It must be interesting working for Christian Grey: he’s making quite a name for himself. What’s he like?”

“Interesting,” I offer.

“Mr Grey is really very sweet,” says Gail.

“I believe his company is developing a new operating system, is that right?”

“We don’t get involved in the business side of things,” replies Gail.

Smooth, Gail. Very smooth.

See why I love that woman? She’s smart, she’s loyal, she’s kind and so fucking sexy. Did I mention sexy?

 

When we finally get to be alone, I pull Gail into a hug.

“You okay, baby?”

“I’m fine. Allison didn’t mean it like that – she just worries about me. Are you, okay? My family can be rather full-on.”

“Like water off a duck’s ass, Gail. I’m good. Marines are trained to survive in hostile environments.”

She laughs softly. “What other training did they give you?”

“Stealth, concealment… in fact, I’d really like to be concealed in you, baby.”

“Oh, really? Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that, although the stealth will come in handy, too: these walls are very thin.”

I fucking love a challenge.

 

Shortly after dawn, I’m woken by a loud scream and I automatically reach for my gun – which isn’t there. It’s locked in a steel box in the trunk of my car.

“What the fuck?”

Gail lays a hand on my chest, looking scared.

“I’ll go see what it is.”

I pull on my jeans and move quietly towards the kitchen, keeping an eye open for anything I can use as a weapon. But by the time I get there, I realize that Bill is the one who needs a weapon – and it’s Allison who’s doing the screaming.

“I can’t believe you, Bill! I ask you to do one thing! One solitary, single thing – and you even manage to screw that up! All you had to do was take the turkey out of the freezer. But, no! That was too difficult for you!”

“I’m sorry, honey, I just…”

“Oh, shut up, Bill! If only you were half the man your mother is!”

Ouch. That gotta hurt.

I’m just about to go back to Gail when Allison turns and sees me. She can’t help herself from staring. Okay, so I’m not so sartorially elegant as usual, but come on! Have some fucking class, lady!

“Heard screaming. But I guess you’re okay in here.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” mutters Bill.

The guy really looks like he wants back-up but I’ve had enough domestic ear-batterings from the Bitch to last me a life time. I give Bill a look that tells him he’s on his own.

“Okay?!” shrieks Allison. “Okay?! No we are not ‘okay’; we are so far from being okay that we’re living in a world where Donald Trump has won the hair-care of the year award!”

“I forgot to defrost the turkey,” says Bill, glumly.

“How can we have a Thanksgiving meal without the turkey?” yells Allison.

By this time Gail is padding into the kitchen wearing just her robe. Knowing that she’s naked under the soft material distracts me from the matters arising.

“Allison, there’s lots of food: I’m sure we’ll manage.”

“But the turkey,” moans Allison. “It’s a 22-pounder. We’ll never get around to eating all of that if we don’t have it today!”

“Well, look, it’s early. If we put it in the oven now…”

“What about the giblets?”

Bill is looking pretty fucking nervous – guess he’s worried his giblets will be on the menu if this doesn’t work out.

“When the turkey is cooked enough, we’ll use tongs to get them out.”

I back out of the kitchen and Bill follows me. When talk turns to giblets, it’s time for a guy to be invisible.

I take a quick shower and, for a second, I think about not shaving. But Gail isn’t into stubble. Ah, what the hell: I’ll shave tonight.

I pull my jeans back on and a long-sleeved T-shirt. Gail hasn’t returned so I assume Camp David is still going on in the kitchen.

Allison’s discordant tones echo through the house. As I pass Celia’s room, she sticks her head out of the door and I nearly have a heart attack. She’s not wearing her wig and she hasn’t got her teeth in. And the appalling thought crosses my mind, Bet she gives one helluva blow job.

Fuck! I’ve been working for Grey too long: my mind has been twisted. I’ve got to get another freakin’ job.

With the image replaying like a horror-film in my mind, I practically run into the kitchen.

Gail gives me a strange look: I must look pretty fucking freaked.

“Jason, we have a problem – with the turkey.”

“Yeah, heard the war-cry, baby.”

Gail hides a smile as Allison throws me a look that would freeze underwear.

“Another problem, Jason. The turkey is too big for the oven.”

Bill looks like he wishes he could be beamed aboard an alien spaceship where anal probes are used randomly.

“You could chop its legs off, baby.”

“Excuse me?”

I turn to Bill. “You got an axe? Good for chopping wood?”

“Why, yes, I do, Jason. What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to chop its legs off, Bill. Wanna help?”

“Don’t make me laugh!” snarls Allison. “Bill with an axe? He needs both his left feet!”

Jeez, with a wife like that, I’m surprised Bill hasn’t drunk poison – or administered it. I noticed a laburnum tree in the garden – maybe he wants to do it slowly. Personally, I’d want more instant results. What can I say – I’m an in-the-moment kind of guy.

I throw a look at Gail who shrugs and looks sympathetically at Bill.

I pick up the turkey, which is looking fifty shades of sorry for itself, and carry it into the garden. Bill follows, twittering softly.

He shows me the axe next to a pile of logs by the porch and I pick it up. The blade is a little blunt but it should do the job. I look at the turkey – I could have sworn it just trembled.

I swing the axe at one of the logs and it makes a satisfying thud as the blade bites into the wood. The sound makes Bill jump.

“Thought it might be an idea to get some of the rust off it first, Bill.”

“Oh, right. Yes. Whatever you say, Jason.”

After a few blows, I decide to take on the turkey.

I look at the turkey: the turkey looks at me.

You lookin’ at me? Hey, turkey! You lookin’ at me? Then who the hell else are you lookin’ at? You lookin’ at me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re lookin’ at? Oh yeah? Eat this, turkey-head!

And I aim the axe at its right leg. The axe catches at an angle, and slides off.

“Fuck!”

“Still got all your toes, Jason?” asks Bill, quietly.

Fucker!

I wrestle the turkey back into position and show it who’s boss. This time the axe lands in the middle of its chest and there’s an odd splintering sound. I start to feel a bit sick.

I hit it again, and its left leg is partially severed. I nearly spew my guts. I hit it again and again and again.

THWACK! BIFF! KER-CHANG! BOING! PING! KER-POW! THUD!

That fucking turkey is fucking laughing at me! You’ll be laughing on the other side of your giblets, mother-fucker!

I can feel the sweat starting to run down my back as I axe that fucking bird into the next life. It’s one helluva Thanksgiving turkey massacre.

Finally, I get the legs off the poor beast and Bill carries them into the kitchen like trophies from a war.

There are chunks of frozen turkey spread across the garden like some macabre splatter gun.

I drag the battered carcass inside, feeling a sense of achievement as well as benign pity for a vanquished foe.

The turkey fought well, but I am The Victor. Eat that, turkey-brains.

Gail looks appalled at the mangled meat and Allison looks like she’s about to vomit. Or cry. Or both.

“Got the legs off, baby.”

“So I see, Jason.”

I shrug and wander off to the living room. Kimmi’s watching ‘Chicken Run’:

So laying eggs all your life and then getting plucked, stuffed and roasted is good enough for you, is it?”

It’s a livin’.”
I can relate to that. Kinda reminds me of working for Grey.

“Hey, Jason.”

“Hey, Kimmi. Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Thanks.” She pauses. “Eveyone’s shouting.”

“I noticed.”

“Is the turkey dead?”

“It was frozen, Kimmi.”

“So it’s dead?”

“Yeah, very dead.”

“Did you shoot it?”

“Excuse me?”

“Mom says you carry a gun. That’s pretty cool.”

“No, I didn’t shoot the turkey.”

“So, how did you kill it?”

“Well, it was already pretty dead, but I hit it with an axe.”

“Cool.”

“Frozen.”

“You’re funny.”

“I know.”

Celia shuffles into the room.

“Happy Thanksgiving, granny!”

“You, too, Kimmi-kins!”

“Jason killed the turkey with an axe.”

“Really?”

She turns to stare at me.

Shoulda seen it, lady: poultry in motion.

“Yeah, must have lost my head.” And then kissed my ass goodbye.

Bill comes in to rescue me.

“So, Jason, how about seeing my playroom?”

I can’t help wincing: must be Freudian.

“Sure, Bill.”

I spend the rest of Thanksgiving morning sitting in Bill’s ass-freezing garage, drinking Tequila Gold and inspecting his models. I just wish the submarines didn’t remind me of Grey’s set of anal plugs. There are some images a man can live without.

The doorbell rings and Bill wanders off to answer it. I take another quick hit of tequila and head to the Russian front where Gail is doing her best to bully Allison’s cooking into something edible. But nobody ever won on the Russian front. They say Napoleon’s army ate their own officers on the retreat. Probably weren’t as chewy as Allison’s turkey-giblet stuffing.

Gail uses a long roasting fork to poke the turkey in the oven, and I feel a certain sympathy for the poor, tortured beast. Hasn’t it suffered enough already?

“Hey, baby. Need a hand?”

“You’ve been drinking!” she scolds.

Fuck, I love it when she tells me off. Makes me horny.

“Seemed like a good idea at the time, baby. I was in Bill’s playroom.”

“I’m so sorry, Jason,” she whispers. “This isn’t how I imagined spending Thanksgiving.”

“I’ve known worse, baby. And I got to wake up with you.”

She runs her hand down my cheek and kisses me gently.

I start to give her kiss the attention it deserves, when the Queen Cock-blocker sails into the kitchen.

“For goodness sake, you two! There’s a time and a place for that sort of thing!”

“An empty kitchen seemed like the perfect place to me, Allison,” replies Gail, coolly.

I shove my hands in my pockets and leave the room whistling the chorus for ‘Me and Mrs Jones’:

“Me and Mrs. Jones
We got a thing goin’ on
We both know that it’s wrong
But it’s much too strong
To let it go now…”

Bill introduces me to the neighbors Vince and Claudia as, “Gail’s partner”.

And it makes me think. ‘Partner’? Is that what I want from Gail? No, she’s much more than that to me. But I promised myself I’d never marry again; not after the Bitch ripped my guts out and wore them for garter straps. But Gail’s not like that; and she’s sure not like her sister. So, ‘partner’? No. I want more. Much more. Me and Mrs. Jones are going to have to have a conversation about that. But not today.

We all take our places at the dining table and the sacrificial beast is wheeled in. Jeez, it looks so… flat. Kinda deflated and humiliated.

And the image of hacking its legs off, chunk by icy chunk, surges to my mind. My stomach lurches in sympathy.

“Turkey, Jason?” says Allison, looking for all the world as if she’d like to do something violently unpleasant with my giblets. Maybe I should introduce her to Grey.

“No, thanks, Allison. I’m vegetarian.”

Gail looks at me, and I shrug.

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

And a big thanks to everyone who’s bought ‘The Education of Sebastian’. Hope you’re enjoying it.

 

 

 

~~o~~

110 Comments Post a comment
  1. 11/22/2012
    Arella White

    While reading this i fell off my bed, laughed so hard i cried more than once and slabered all over my hand becasue my family is asleep and i was trying to keep quiet. You nearly killed me!

    Reply
  2. 11/22/2012
    Meme

    OMG I loved it!!! That was so funny and cute!

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Aw, thanks! jx

      Reply
  3. 11/22/2012
    Jennifer

    Loved it. Laughed so hard I cried!!! Poor Jason dealing with Alison…

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Yeah, be-otch! She’s just jealous her older sister has got a hot, younger guy. Can you imagine what would happen if she met Christian? She’d implode!

      Reply
      • 11/25/2012
        Jennifer

        Omg!!! Allison would have a field day with Christian. Especially when he shows her the “playroom”

      • 11/27/2012
        Jane H-B

        Yeah, especially if Allison couldn’t get that giblet out of her ass!

  4. 11/22/2012
    Kristy

    Loved it loved loved it.

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Good. I’m pleased 🙂

      Reply
  5. 11/22/2012
    Nan Virden

    Cute story! My favorite character is Kimmi What a not-so-naive little girl. My sympathy goes out to the turkey be it frozen or not. Well, HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! Gobble, gobble, gobble…gob…

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Meeting the in-laws, turkey misadventure, brutality to frozen poultry. Good thing Taylor had his gun in the car! Glad you enjoyed it 🙂

      Reply
  6. 11/22/2012
    anabel

    Funny story! Happy Thanksgiving!

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Aw, thank you!

      Reply
  7. 11/22/2012
    Chris L

    The newest Tale of Tayoir was the best opening to Thanksgiving I have had in a longtime. I’m helping my mother prepare Thanksgiving dinner and she just pop into the office to see what I was howling about. Thanks so much!

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Howling? And it’s not even a full moon! Happy Thanksgiving, sweetie. x

      Reply
  8. 11/22/2012
    Susan

    That was soooo good.. I was laughing so hard my son was looking at me as if i had lost my mind!!! Sooooooo Good!!! Thanks so much for lifting my spirits today! Enjoy your holiday weekend!

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      You’re welcome, Susan. Happy holidays!

      Reply
  9. 11/22/2012
    Nancy M.

    my husband finally said to me, “what the heck are you laughing about? I couldn’t answer because I’m weeping, then I snorted, which is what happens when I can’t control my laughter and I’m so damned happy. this is a great story to go into tomorrow, because I’m headed to the farm to spend some time with some siblings and my mom (and the invited preacher) and I won’t be able to have any liquor until after it’s all over. BIG TIME SHIT!!! Thanks for making me SO FRIKIN HAPPY.

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012

      I was laughing so much I had tears rolling down my face and had to take two Panadol – bloody Jane and her Taylor Turkey gave me a headache. I suppose getting a headache from laughter is something to be thankful for.
      Coming from a farming background my dad would butcher the meat on a well seasoned and used wood chopping block (sitting alongside the wood heap), he initially used an axe but then moved onto a cleaver and knife.
      All the time I’m reading Taylor’s Turkey butcher scene I’m reminded of the first time dad got me to use the axe on a piece of meat. Oh So Taylor. Who’d think that my first Taylorism happened over 36 years ago.

      Reply
      • 11/22/2012
        Jane H-B

        🙂

    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Snorting and no alcohol? Wow, got your work cut out there, honey! Have a good one!

      Reply
  10. 11/22/2012
    Nancy M.

    oh, Happy Frinkin Turkey Day!

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      There’s a UK reggae poet called Benjamin Zepheniah and he wrote a brilliant poem about turkeys at Christmas if you want to check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4AgPSjzXkw

      Reply
      • 11/22/2012
        Dw

        Loved it! Especially the reggae loving Turkey./Dw

      • 11/22/2012
        Jane H-B

        Heh heh! Great poem, isn’t it?!

  11. 11/22/2012
    anan8808

    This was too funny, made my holiday

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Excellent! Happy holidays!

      Reply
  12. 11/22/2012
    Milena

    This was fun to read. Oh and the education of Sebastian is great. Sad and wonderful at the same time. Love it

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Ah, thank you, Milena. So glad you thought that.

      Reply
  13. 11/22/2012
    Nanette

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      😉

      Reply
  14. 11/22/2012
    Michelle

    Laughed so hard nearly ran out of breath then got a lump in my throat with tears rolling down my face. I was in pain after reading the story. But i suppose the turkey was worse off being splattered over the garden. This could only happen to Taylor. LOVED IT.

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Love that your were laughing – hope it didn’t hurt too much!

      Reply
  15. 11/22/2012

    so funny i loved the line taking the princess to see the covern leader!
    and Taylor,s ending line “im a vegitarian”
    good job im sat here alone, i dont have to explain my giggling 🙂
    Happy Thanksgiving

    Reply
  16. 11/22/2012
    Em

    Loved it and I am sure I will love ur book I brought yesterday keep up the great work

    Reply
  17. 11/22/2012
    Lindy

    Loved it! Reminded me of many a family Thanksgiving with my mother and and her sisters yelling at each other and at their husbands about the turkey. (The year that my Uncle Har tried to BBQ the turkey but set the lawn on fire is a Thanksgiving memory that will live through the ages.) Taylor is my favorite! Thanks for the Thanksgiving treat!

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      The lawn was on fire? Outstanding. And you know what, if I put that in a story, NO-ONE would believe me!

      Reply
  18. 11/22/2012
    Marina

    Great story indeed! Thanks for sharing 🙂
    Happy Thanksgiving Day to everybody who celebrates it!
    Enjoy your turkeys (hopefully in a lil better condition than Taylor’s and not-so-splattered-all-around 😀 )

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      If anyone has been put off their Thanksgiving lunch by my splatterfest, please accept sincere apologies 😉

      Reply
  19. 11/22/2012

    and Jane does it again, Seriously how do you find the time to keep us all happy and write new books? Love this one shot. Thank you.

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Easy. My DH no longer remembers what I look like and my computer chair is melded to by arse. Happy days!

      Reply
  20. 11/22/2012
    Eileen m

    This was so worth waiting for I laughed so hard Jane one of the things I’m grateful for is your writing Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Thanks, Eileen. Love that you’re laughing!

      Reply
  21. 11/22/2012
    Dw

    Jane – how I love your (and Taylor’s, of course) hilarious, bordering on absurdity, sense of humour! Hyenas and their laughter “rode out” again with this one-shot.

    pB is sure to enjoy this chapter tonight when back from Stockholm… It may take him back to the times when I was trying hard to prove my mastery at cooking and ventured to preparing the trout he caught…Needles to say he found me crying over the fish head I just decapitated plus the whole kitchen (even the ceiling) was covered in fish scales…

    Oh, well – Happy TG to all American fans of this Blog.

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Oh sweetheart! I can just see that. I’d be exactly the same. Hope pB had a good trip.

      Reply
      • 11/22/2012
        pB

        it was work trip. ok as far as those go. stockholm was very dark. better in summer w/ so called ‘white nights’.

  22. 11/22/2012
    Jo Ann

    I read this one to my husband and he could not stop laughing!!! Good job…

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Oh, that’s good! Fun for the whole family 🙂

      Reply
  23. 11/22/2012
    pB

    taylor my man & hero. wielding an axe on turkey before even tequila shot or two first…how they managed in the stone age era before store pre-cut meat & fish is beyond my comprehension. thanx for the laugh. good for abdominal muscles.

    Reply
    • 11/22/2012
      Jane H-B

      Glad you’re back safely, not too badly affected by copious alcohol consumption. And glad you enjoyed Taylor’s he-man moment!

      Reply
  24. 11/22/2012
    Sue

    I’ve been waiting to read this all day… well worth the wait as always. Thank you! Reminds me of the first time I tried to cook a whole duck. We had a friend coming round for dinner and 30mins after it should have been cooked it was still bleeding in the oven like it was freshly slaughterered. I ended up hacking it into pieces, just like Taylor, to speed up the cooking. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

    Reply
    • 11/23/2012
      Jane H-B

      You are a chef after my own heart 😉

      Reply
  25. 11/22/2012
    jill

    Omg that was so funny.loved it x

    Reply
    • 11/23/2012
      Jane H-B

      🙂

      Reply
  26. 11/22/2012
    grublue

    I laughed so hard my neighbour must have woken up… I’ve still got tears in my eyes, this was so much fun. 🙂
    Happy Thanksgiving to the Americans!

    Reply
    • 11/23/2012
      Jane H-B

      Love that you’re laughing. I second that emotion!

      Reply
  27. 11/22/2012
    Marta

    Amazing! Did I already said that I love Taylor and your writing? Oops, I think so…but well, it’s the truth:)

    Reply
    • 11/23/2012
      Jane H-B

      Say it as many times as you like, honey 🙂

      Reply
  28. 11/23/2012
    Chris L

    I think there are some inconsistencies in Allison’s family. I thought EL James just mentioned that Gail had a married sister that she visited. I believe that is where she was when Liela is in Christian’s apartment. I believe Jane in a previous Taylor chapter you had Taylor saying Allison had 4 children out of the house already. I don’t know how that reconciles with this story in which Allison having a 11 year old and 14 year old daughters at home at the beginning of their Gail and Taylor’s relationship.

    Reply
    • 11/23/2012

      Yeah. It sounds like Jane is going coo coo. Actually, you’re lucky you got anything at all. Jane has been a tad excited about going to the new 007 movie – who wouldn’t be? Daniel Craig is a total babe. I would say Jane has been a little distracted with the finer points lately. I’ll have to knock her around a bit to get her back into line. It doesn’t help either that I’m not picking up these things when I’m proofing but… I too am distracted with creating a new web and blog for Jane.

      Reply
      • 11/24/2012
        Chris L

        Daniel Craig and Sean Connery, eye candy and ear candy, it don’t get much better than those two Mr. Bonds! Skyfall was a damm good movie too. I saw it opening day with my oldest daughter Barb (hoarder of my FSOG) and Master Duncan my youngest. If that is what was distracting Jane then good for her!

      • 11/24/2012
        Jane H-B

        That was just an excuse (pretty good, I thought). I wrote the story before I saw the film – I just wasn’t paying attention. But, for the record, for ear-candy (a very strange image just popped into my mind as I wrote that), it has to be Alan Rickman.

      • 11/24/2012
        Chris L

        Nice recovery from the editor TBM.

        Wait! More new stuff from Jane!?!

        What are you up to Lisa? Do we get the slideshow back? Or something completely different for the future?

      • 11/24/2012

        The slideshow? It was that long ago that I created it I don’t know if I remember to do it again. It could be lost forever in my fuzzy head – blame it on the menopause or the wine.

      • 11/24/2012
        Dw

        Oh, TBN – pls don’t tease – it was my favourite 3rd on this blog after:
        1st – Jane’s tales and her witty replies to our comments
        2nd – TBM’s visuals to Jane’s tales and her banter (well except this last bit about forgetting how to set up the slide merry-go-round ) / Dw

    • 11/23/2012
      Jane H-B

      Bugger! You’re right! I’ll have to re-read Taylor. The ole memory must be going. Damn it. Oh well. Sorree!

      Reply
      • 11/23/2012

        Jane you can be as inconsistant as you like, as long as you keep them coming, and more sebastian 🙂

      • 11/24/2012
        Jane H-B

        Aw, thanks, hon. My knuckles have been firmly rapped. I am having the words ‘pay attention’ tattoed on my forehead. Unfortunately I can’t seem them there. Funny old world 🙂

      • 11/24/2012
        Chris L

        No harm, no foul! Especially if you had Mr. Craig on your mind as our TBM suggest.

      • 11/24/2012
        Dw

        Yea – I’m all with Ms Chris L – if it was 007 distracting Jane the little memory slip is totoaly understandable.

        But what of our slide-show delight? Surely not only Chris and myself are missing it?

        TBM – we know you are busy, but… 007 IS an eye candy but so was this blog slide-show – can we have it back? / Dw

      • 11/24/2012

        Gawww Blimey. The slide show. The slide show. I didn’t think many cared.
        I’ll have to check with the boss on what she want’s to do. She’ll be up and about in an hour or two.
        Back at ya on that one.

  29. 11/23/2012
    Shannon

    This was the perfect way to end thanksgiving! Laughed my butt off!

    Reply
    • 11/23/2012
      Jane H-B

      Excellent, ta!

      Reply
  30. 11/23/2012

    That was … Fantasicly Freakingly Funny i had a massive laugh and poor Alisons Hubby could do no right i would say he is a little henpecked 🙂 and Taylor i could just imagine him trying to hack of the Frozen Turley Legs and the Turkey slipping away *LMAO* Thanks for the Laughter you guys !!!

    Reply
    • 11/23/2012
      Jane H-B

      I’m so bummed I didn’t get the ‘henpecked’ joke in! That would be so funny! Love that you were laughing.

      Reply
  31. 11/23/2012
    Miki

    You really should not wrie like this! I was reading this post and breastfeeding my son. I was laughing so hard that the poor baby had his first earthquake day and he almost bite off my breast 😀 You are great!!!!!

    Reply
    • 11/24/2012
      Jane H-B

      Oh, your comment really made me laugh! I hope that wasn’t too painful for you – poor you, poor Earthquake Baby!

      Reply
  32. 11/24/2012
    Roxanne

    I loved this. So funny, laughed and laughed. Taylor and the turkey was priceless and Gale’s sisters children weren’t far behind. Boy Toy Ha HA You made my thanksgiving holiday, thanks, Loveya Rox

    Reply
    • 11/27/2012
      Jane H-B

      Ah, thanks, hon. Just a bit of fun 🙂

      Reply
  33. 11/25/2012
    Lilly4848

    “Poultry in motion.”
    Oh, Jane you are the best. And speaking as a true vegetarian, I must say that even though the images were a bit disturbing, I was ROTFLSTC.

    Reply
    • 11/27/2012
      Jane H-B

      Me, too, Lilly. And after that story, I think a few other people might be, as well!

      Reply
  34. 11/27/2012

    Phenomenal – my tears were running down my ears. Just love the thought of a frozen turkey getting the better of him. Not so much a dissection as seek and destroy mission. Sounds like Alison has giblet stuck up her ass. Fantastic!

    Reply
    • 11/27/2012
      Jane H-B

      LOL! Yeah, you gotta feel for that poor beast. I wondered what Allison’s problem was… now I know. Ouch!

      Reply
  35. 11/27/2012
    CC

    Aren’t all thanksgivings like this? I loved Taylor’s inner dialogue and loved how sweetly he spoke to Gail. My nook is on standby waiting to buy your book. I can’t wait it read it. take care.

    Reply
    • 11/27/2012
      Jane H-B

      Thanks, CC. Just waiting for the Inland Revenue at the moment. And waiting… and waiting…

      Reply
  36. 11/28/2012
    Nanette

    im having a freaking moody day, so re-read this again….
    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I can’t stop laughing

    Reply
    • 11/29/2012
      Jane H-B

      Honey, loved that you wanted to re-read this on a down day. Really hoped it picked you up. What a cool thing for you to say. Hugs.

      Reply
  37. 12/3/2012
    Jen

    Another great story! Maybe they’ll be a one shot of Ana and Christian’s first Christmas..just hoping!

    Reply
    • 12/5/2012
      Jane H-B

      It’s not looking likely at the moment, but never say never!

      Reply
  38. 12/5/2012
    Bethann

    Any chance we will get a one-shot (or 2) of a Christian Christmas tale???? Maybe Christmas before Ana or as a child? Christmas was never covered in The Trilogy (except that short part when he first came to live at the Grey’s when he didn’t talk) and I would be interested to envision how he spends the holidays……Christmas at Escala? New Years in Aspen????? Does he just work like a slave during the holiday season when he doesn’t have a sub? Does he give his subs any gifts???? For a man with so much to share and knowing how he feels about the less fortunate, I imagine that while he may work like slave, maybe he gives anonymously, possibly?????? So many ideas….

    Reply
  39. 12/5/2012
    Bethann

    Oops, but I didn’t read the comments before my last one. I didn’t realize that you had ruled out a holiday story. As always, putting my foot in my mouth.

    Reply
    • 12/7/2012
      Jane H-B

      ‘Salright, hon. It’s just time at the moment. I’m racing against a couple of deadlines. But never say never…

      Reply
      • 01/7/2013

        Jane, I have been re reading all your One Shots. Every one is a gem! I do not want to pick the best, but being in need of a bit of humour today, my choice would have to be, ” O Brother.”
        One really needs a box of Kleenex near by to mop up the tears of laughter .
        I think you could make one of Christians spread sheets and turn it into a great, funny, One Shot story.
        I did notice though, that with all the One Shots you have done, there isn’t one on John Flynn. Would it be possible to see one on him? Perhaps, his thoughts on the, first dance auction, and his subsequent dance with Ana?
        I think, right now, we are all suffering withdrawal symptoms . A One Shot on Dr Flynn might just what we need.
        Thank you Jane for all your great writing. On this blog, and in your books!

      • 01/13/2013
        Jane H-B

        Thanks, hon. I could fastforward Flynn to meeting Ana. Been thinking about that. It wouldn’t be a one-shot but would fulfill your requirements. Whaddya think?

  40. 01/13/2013

    I agree! Remember Jane, you really are the Boss! On this blog, Christian, Ana, Taylor , Dr Flynn , not one of them can speak without your permission !
    As to Dr Flynn, do you think, if he was feeling a bit wicked, he might have asked his wife for a ‘bacon butty’ for breakfast?
    Cheers

    Reply
    • 01/13/2013
      Jane H-B

      Heh heh! Yes, with tomato sauce. Or maybe a full English with fried bread. Good for the arteries…

      Reply
      • 01/13/2013

        Not forgetting a bit of Bury Black Pudding, and fried bread! I think I will just have to do a, Worzel Gummidge on that, and just look at the picture!
        Cheers

  41. 04/26/2013
    Leanne rossell

    I love Taylor, he’s so funny, can’t wait to read more of your little short stories x

    Reply
    • 04/30/2013
      Jane H-B

      Thanks, so much, Leanne. That story was sorta based on something that really happened! jx

      Reply
  42. 05/15/2013
    Carolina

    i couldnt stop laughing and my sis kept asking me what was wrong with me. Ecellent job.

    Reply
    • 05/16/2013
      Jane H-B

      Ah, glad you enjoyed that. Based on something that really happened : ) jx

      Reply
  43. 05/23/2013
    Caroline

    Couldn’t stop laughing…thank you it’s good to see a different side .

    Reply
    • 05/23/2013
      Jane H-B

      Love that you’re laughing : ) jx

      Reply
  44. 06/3/2013
    Michelle

    Only found this section yestweday and iv read them all, This one made me laugh so hard my eyes waterd and i had to use my blue inhale i was laughing so much, Is there going to be more?

    Reply
    • 06/4/2013
      Jane H-B

      Love that you were laughing, Michelle. I never say never to more one-shots! jx

      Reply
  45. 06/14/2013

    was wondering when we are going to get some new chapters in christians story and taylors story.x.x.x.

    Reply
    • 06/20/2013
      Jane H-B

      Hope you saw last night’s little offering : ) jx

      Reply
  46. 01/28/2014

    Jane, I was going through your amazing chapters, and One Shots on this FSoG site. You still have, the Power of Words. I just wanted to ask, if you have thought any more, about a,John Flynn One Shot? It still has me gobsmacked at how easily you transition from your books to to these, FF FSoG characters. I believe, you are the only writer who has chosen, Jason Taylor as one of your FSoG FF stories. You show the same, high standard of writing throughout!!
    I am Mercia, see me bow!

    Reply
    • 02/7/2014
      Jane H-B

      I like the idea that no one else has written about my dirty mouthed Marine! I don’t think I’ll write a Flynn one-shot because a lot of him comes out in the ‘Paging Dr Flynn’ chapters. jx

      PS I just read your last line as “I am Mercia. See me blow.” Oops!! jx

      Reply
      • 02/7/2014

        Jane,today, February 7th 2014 you are to be forgiven if your eyes are getting a little out of focus. 🙂

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